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Monday, September 10, 2012

An Immunity Ego?

I spent the last few days, "sick as a dog", "down for the count", "out of commission".. in short.. a mess.  My head hurt, my body ached, my cough and nose blowing was disgusting, no one could understand a word that came out of me and it took a lot of effort to get those words out. Once I succumbed to the fact that I could do nothing but lie in bed, perhaps breathing in and out if I was lucky, I flitted between the dimensions of earth and the roll of toilet paper (poor woman's Kleenex), and that other space where it really doesn't matter what you "do" and it feels not so bad to just "be". Most of the time, I just felt miserable. And I got to wondering.  Why was this happening to me?  I'm never sick.  I have all these potions to prevent, treat,and cure.  What the heck!! Nothing was working.  I emptied out the closet of concoctions from Aconite to Colloidal Silver to Swedish Bitters and Vitamin C and everything, I mean everything, in between.  I stuck my head over a steaming bowl of water, Epsom salts and essential oils (tea tree and eucalyptus). Felt good to be under that towel and in my own little world but it didn't "cure" anything. 

I was appalled and annoyed. I was insulted.  I kept trying things, racking my brain for the "potion" I was missing. When I calmed down, I tried to find the lesson.  Well... seems to me like viruses are an example of unclear boundaries and borders.  They seem to signify allowing something in that then overruns your system and takes away your layer of protection.  Hmm... sounds good, but I didn't feel a darn bit better from my hazy realization.  And I admit, it hurt to think but I really didn't think I had a mirror of that kind of invasion in my life at the moment. Then again.. we can never really "see ourselves" that well. 

Finally I just gave up and decided to be sick.  That's when the light bulb when off.  My ego was trashed. Hmm...

Lots and lots of work has been and will continue to done I'm sure, on the idea of ego, but I really like what Eckhart Tolle brought to the concept in his conscious shattering book "A New Earth". He explains ego as this identify you carry around with you.  And that identify continuously needs to be fed.  Tolle suggests that if you can let go of a lot of that "identity" you can really find your true self.

So, I realize I have a strong identify or connection to my sense of immunity.  I  avoid certain things and do other things to keep my immunity strong.  I shun a lot of conventional medical theories in search of "greater immunity, health and wellness".  I am drawn to all these things that can help your body help itself and find cures rather than "treatments", true balance rather than suppression of symptoms. But in doing so, I've build an ego out of it.  I think I am "more immune" I guess.  I pride myself on not getting sick.  I pride myself on getting cured faster.  I pride myself on not using conventional suppression like pain killers and cold medicines.  Every time you see the word pride you see your ego.  Mine was just getting bigger and bigger until this virus started making my head actually feel bigger and bigger. Hmm...

So when I do get sick, my ego wants this sickness to really be "something".  This must be a more virulent virus than what is affecting the general populous I guess!  Perhaps I have a new strain of H1N1, maybe it's an index case of legionaries in our region. Hantavirus is around in some areas. Perhaps it's Ebola!!!  I must be a miracle to even be alive at this point.  Sometimes it isn't until you starting writing something that you realize how truly nuts you are!!  Or, if it isn't the strain of bug that's so incredible, it must be how hard I have been pushing myself. My ego has quite a time with this one!  See, on the one hand, I know that decreased immunity is caused by stress and working to hard and pushing oneself so I know not to do that. That is what other people do.  But then if I've got decreased immunity I must have been pushing myself to herculean efforts because I had to, no other choice, hero/warrior type stuff Well.. even my stuffed up ego has to laugh at that one!  I haven't been stressed and pushing myself and I know it.  Hmm...

Maybe this is just me and my own personal battle, but I doubt it.  One thing about the Ego is that it likes to form a group of like minded egos.  That's where the competition and the continual feeding comes in.  Hmm... Egos are finicky things and I like all my friends so I'm not going to go any further there....

So did I learn something?  Maybe. I hope so.  I learned I need to let go of the thought that I am in control of my immunity.  That isn't to say that I should do things I know to be destructive or not do things I know to be helpful, but to let go of the sense of control and identify behind it.  It would seem... I might just have to admit.. gulp.. that I'm human?  That I have an immune system that sometimes allows a virus in so it can build itself to greater heights.  I might not be quite so responsible for immunity as I think I am.  Just like people that get sick don't always "bring it on themselves".  It's the journey.  It's how you deal with it that matters.

Once I shed a layer or two of immunity ego, I felt smaller- in a good way.  I felt like a weight was taken off me, a release of pressure. I think I might not have to defend alternative cures so strongly because that might be feeding this ego monster. And maybe I can listen to conventional medicine stories without building that armour of resistance cause that's fuel for my ego as well. If anyone wants alternative information, I'll give it, I'll keep writing about it, I'll keep using it personally, I'll keep researching, but I will no longer feel like I have to defend and prove it.  And if I get sick and some of the remedies, or none of the remedies seem to working,  I won't take it personally that "I was wrong". That's ego thinking. I'll let go of the need for it to be something "dark and mysterious".  I'll just prop up the pillows a bit, and relax into the knowing that, low and behold, I am a human, and  "this too shall pass". And it did..

The End

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